Whoops I Did It Again

Well, I Did It again. Which proves to me a few things. First, I am still human, I’m still progress not perfection, my “isms” are working on me and probably the most important – I am an alcoholic, albeit, recovered, my disease is the one and only real constant in my life. It sits there, sometimes does some pushups, but it grows stronger daily. So I must remain vigilant and stay stronger.

Thank goodness I can recognize my defects of character when they poo up. Sometimes that are subtle but lately not so much. Today was an example of that. My partner has been out of work for months. First hospital, then broken wrist, then needed to update her med card. She is a professional driver, needs a med card. Well ok, went for the required sleep study (uses a Cpap machine) and got results today. So now she has to go to Sleep Dr for consult and as to whether or not she will receive a med card for the year. She only has a couple years until retirement. It’s one thing after another….mind you I have my own personal issue I’m dealing with too….

To make the rest of the long story short, I lost it….my temper. Said some things. I reacted poorly. I wasn’t angry at her, but frustrated. I caught myself and removed myself from the situation. I was taught to always have a way out. So I went out of the house, still streaming,taking to myself (out loud) and grabbed my weeding tool and weeded my Amaryllis garden. Been talking about doing it for days but was also procrastinating. Well the garden for weeded, I prayed off and on through our the process and holy cow….it works. I knew it would!! Always has!! Finished the garden, went in chatted with partner, made my amends, went to the pool, came home, have my honey a card…got it yesterday and felt much better. Moving on…

It is truly amazing what tools AA has given me. Have to remember though, if I don’t pick them up and use them, then my I have to remember there are consequences…and more importantly…MISERY IS OPTIONAL!!!

Extremely blessed

BRINGING THE MESSAGE HOME

AUGUST 23

Can we bring the same spirit of love and tolerance into our sometimes deranged family lives that we bring to our A.A. group?                                                                                TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, pp.111-12

My family members suffer from the effects of my disease. Loving and accepting them as they are— just as I love and accept A.A. members—fosters a return of love, tolerance and harmony to my life. Using common courtesy and respecting others’ personal boundaries are necessary practices for all areas of my life.

Alcoholics Anonymous World Service Inc.. Daily Reflections: A Book of Reflections by A.A. Members for A.A. Members (Kindle Locations 1720-1725). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

“The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of
others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead.
Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have
kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says
that sobriety is enough”  ~Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition, Into Action, pg. 82~

tornadoPic

I was a tornado, as described in the passage above. My family and friends were affected by my actions or non actions. I learned how to love and tolerate them as I did my AA family. It took awhile before they would or could trust me. I was afraid of changing, because if I changed they may not like me any more. Definitely defective thinking on my part. I’m sure today they didn’t like me too much the way I was…I had to learn how to bring the message I was learning in AA home with me and behave properly. Then I could take the message and share it anywhere.

24 Hours A Day

A.A. Thought for the Day

“We who have accepted the A.A. principles have all been faced with necessity for a thorough personal housecleaning. We must face and be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us. We therefore take a personal inventory. We take stock honestly. We search out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Resentment is the number one offender. Life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. If we are to live, we must be free of anger.” Am I free of resentment and anger?

Meditation for the Day

Keep in mind the goal you are striving for, the good life you are trying to attain. Do not let little things divert you from the path. Do not be overcome by the small trials and vexations of each day. Try to see the purpose and plan to which all is leading. If when climbing a mountain you keep your eyes on each stony or difficult place, how weary is your climb. But if you think of each step as leading to the summit of achievement from which a glorious landscape will open out before you, then your climb will be endurable and you will achieve your goal.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may realize that life without a goal is futile. I pray that I may find the good life worth striving for.

Anonymous. Twenty-Four Hours A Day (pp. 96-97). Martino Fine Books. Kindle Edition.

My Thought…I believe I am free of anger and resentment. But to be completely honest, anger and resentment come back. I’d be dishonest if I said otherwise. I have learned that anger is actually fear turned inside out. If I am resentful it usually leads me to anger which means I am afraid of something or someone. Usually I am afraid of the unknown, something that I can’t even see, something intangible. So I learned how to step back and take a personal inventory. I was taught how to do this in step 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.” The step involved listing character assets/defects. At the time I did this I was constantly reminded it was just a list. However, as time went on making that list allowed me to gain greater insight from the next steps. The list provided me with an open and honest assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. I still get angry and have resentments but they don’t last. I can not afford to harbor resentments. They will kill me.

My Meditation…I can start my day over any time. If the little things start to crop up and get in my way, then I find a quite place, close my eyes and recite the Serenity Prayer.   Serenity Prayer

 

 

By doing this I have achieved the good life, I had been searching for and I am happy    today!!!smiley

My Prayer…I pray to continue to do the right thing by continuing to do God’s will.

REMOVING “THE GROUND GLASS”

AUGUST 11

The moral inventory is a cool examination of the damages that occurred to us during life and a sincere effort to look at them in a true perspective. This has the effect of taking the ground glass out of us, the emotional substance that still cuts and inhibits.                             AS BILL SEES IT, p. 140

My Eighth Step list used to drag me into a whirlpool of resentment. After four years of sobriety, I was blocked by denial connected with an ongoing abusive relationship. The argument between fear and pride eased as the words of the Step moved from my head to my heart. For the first time in years I opened my box of paints and poured out an honest rage, an explosion of reds and blacks and yellows. As I looked at the drawing, tears of joy and relief flowed down my cheeks. In my disease, I had given up my art, a self-inflicted punishment far greater than any imposed from outside. In my recovery, I learned that the pain of my defects is the very substance God uses to cleanse my character and to set me free.

Alcoholics Anonymous World Service Inc.. Daily Reflections: A Book of Reflections by A.A. Members for A.A. Members (Kindle Locations 1633-1636). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

My moral inventory was and still times can be difficult. As mentioned above the fear and pride were two huge reasons for this. In the beginning it was both fear and pride. I didn’t do anything to hurt or harm anyone. I was the victim. The pride was saying to me, “hey, don’t you know who I am? I could not have possibly hurt you or anyone…” Not true. Two things, remember this is a list and I had to become willing, I was not actually “doing” amends step yet.I had to become honest and look at myself with total abandon. I had done what I did and remember now too that if I did not become willing to make this list and become willing to carry out the process in future steps…everything I did up to this point was useless. I to this day remain willing when I still hurt or harm someone (yep, still happens) to become willing to make any wrongs right. The resentments from the list or any resentments will lead me back to a drink. Not where I ever want to go again!

24 HOURS A DAY

A.A. Thought for the Day

“While an alcoholic keeps strictly away from drink, he reacts to life much like other men. But the first drink sets the terrible cycle in motion. An alcoholic usually has no idea why he takes the first drink. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied, but in their hearts they really do not know why they do it. The truth is that at some point in their drinking they have passed into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of no avail.” Am I satisfied that I have passed my tolerance point for alcohol?

Meditation for the Day

He who made the ordered world out of chaos and set the stars in their courses and made each plant to know its season, He can bring peace and order out of your private chaos if you will let Him. God is watching over you too, to bless you and care for you. Out of the darkness He is leading you to light, out of unrest to rest, out of disorder to order, out of faults and failure to success. You belong to God and your affairs are His affairs and can be ordered by Him if you are willing.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may be led out of disorder into order.  I pray that I may be led out of failure into success.

Anonymous. Twenty-Four Hours A Day (p. 91). Martino Fine Books. Kindle Edition.

Everything in these posts may seem repetitive and the ARE. The reason is that I continue pretty much to do the same things over and over. It helps me to remain aware of all my character defects, and what to do when they rear their ugly selves.

My Thought…The very first thing I had to do if I was going to get ‘Weller” was to put down the drink…alcohol in any form or fashion. Any mood altering drug(s). When I did that I started reacting to life on life’s terms. Oh My Goodness. How was I to live? The fear, the anxiety, anger, all those emotions I had no control over any of them . Like, I had control over alcohol….I had no idea the first drink set everything into motion.. No idea why I took the first drink, setting up the obsession and compulsion. I had lots of excuses…it relaxed me, it made me smarter, more able to talk to people…well you know what?  There is people who don’t drink and do all those things. I did get to a point in my drinking where I wanted to stop, but I couldn’t. I just wanted to be happy…didn’t realize drinking was the problem. I was very satisfied when I finally passed that tolerance point for alcohol. It took time, it took putting down the drink – For Real – I had gome to AA for three years drinking…but finally stopped drinking. My tolerance occurred when I no longer responded to alcohol in the way that I initially responded. I took time, many meetings, many meetings and doing exactly what was suggested of me. Finally the burden to drink was lifted.

My Meditation…I found out by listening that if I meditated God could and would bring Serenity, Peace and Order to my chaos. If I LET Him. This particular meditation helped me remain willing knowing that God would restore my life, as He sees fit. I was and still am Willing in every sense.

My Prayer…I have been led out of disorder into order and failure into success. His order by having faith in this process and trusting in the flow. My success has been remaining sober A Day At A Time and being guided out of what doesn’t serve me, and into what does! Helping others!!