Frustration

Frustration2Just a little!!  It is a personal issue for my partner more then my own frustration. However, we are partners and we are in it together.  Most of what has to be done, she has to do…that really frustrates me. Because I want to help her and do it for her, but I can’t. So I have to push and nag her gently hoping that she sees clearly what must be done.

Frustration is the feeling of being annoyed or upset because of the inability to change or achieve something. And my prayer is that I not let the frustration take hold, that I face or accept what it is and not try to change it to what I want it to be. In comes the Serenity Prayer….”God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

“Frustration is the first step toward improvement…It’s only when I face frustration and use it to fuel my dedication that I feel myself moving forward. ”
John Bingham

 

 

 

I Like Dreamin’

I heard a song today… “I Like Dreamin'” sung by Kenny Nolan.

I like dreamin’ cause dreamin’ can make you mine.
I like dreamin’, closing my eyes and feeling fine.
When the lights go down, I’m holding you so tight.
Got you in my arms and it’s paradise ’til the morning light.
I see us on the shore beneath the bright sunshine.
We’ve walked along St. Thomas beach a million times.
Hand in hand, two barefoot lovers kissing in the sand.
Side by side, the tide rolls in.
I’m touching you, you’re touching me.
If only it could be.
I like dreamin’ cause dreamin’ can make you mine.
I like dreamin’, closing my eyes and feeling fine.
When the lights go down, I’m holding you so tight.
Got you in my arms and it’s paradise ’til the morning light.
Through each dream how our love has grown.
I see us with our children and our happy home.
Little smiles, so warm and tender looking up at us.
Blessed by love, the world we share
Until I wake and reach for you
And you’re just not there.
I like dreamin’ ’cause dreaming can make you mine.
I like holding you close and touching your skin
Even if it’s in my mind.
Oh, sweet dream baby, I love you.
Oh, my sweet dream baby, you’re in my dreams every night.
Songwriters: KENNY NOLAN
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC,Spirit Music Group

This song was released in a very uncertain, although special time in my life.  However at the same time this year became one of the best years of my life. I think  that the song, if I read and listen to the lyrics mean more to me today that they did then. Many of my favorite songs are like that today. They touch my life so much more than when they first came out or when I first heard them.  I could name dozens…I can remember where I was, who I was with and what was going on when I hear a song. Funny I can’t remember what I did a few minutes ago.

Another special song for me is a Carole King song called, “Now and Forever”.  I never heard it until a few years back I was on vacation and staying in a condo we rented on the beach at St Augustine.  I went to take a nap and had my headphones on listening to a local radio station and it came on. It took me back to my past immediately. Could not get the song out of my head. I finally found it and found out it was Carole King in fact that sang it. It is on You Tube Now And Forever 

Take a minute and listen to it. You may already know these two songs. If not, take a minute, relax and go check them out.

You may be thinking way this time in my life was so special…I can only say that it was in the sense that I fell in love and had a wonderful time and then we both had to move on…hardest part is that I still think of that person and wished it had worked out differently, but it didn’t. I is ok, because it happened the way it was supposed to happen. This is hard because I have to always remind myself that it is God’s will, not mine that I am supposed to live by. I want it to be totally different but He saw fit for it to turn out this way. As I write these words I still have trouble believing it turned out different from the way I wanted or wished it to. I procrastinated writing about this because of the pain it creates and I was also taught in AA that I was not here to dredge up the past and hurt others from my past. I do know that for me though talking and writing about things helps me to move on…this topic/subject from my past was, is and probably will always be the hardest to move on with. But the bottom line is that even though there is heartache quite often because a lot of things remind me of that time…I have not picked up a drink. That is my ultimate goal on a daily basis. And, I have become useful in so many ways to others, by letting go. Problem is I don’t stay “letting go”.  I would and may still at a future date write about this time in my life but I am not ready and as I mentioned I certainly do not want to hurt anyone else that may have played a major impact in this time of my life. I also want to make it perfectly clear I totally Love and Adore the person I am currently with!!!  I will leave all this tonight with two quotes….

 

 

If-You-Love-Someone-tell-them

SadThing

 

 

 

 

Hi I AM Back

Took a month to stop and smell the roses….

I needed a break from everything. October was good to me. Was able to go and see some good friends and spend time with them at the beach. Anyone that knows me or has followed my blog up to now will know already the passion I have for the beach and it’s healing powers. BeachHealingPowers

November 1st, this will bring new, but really old issues, memories, concerns….new/old everything.  Fall is here and the snowbirds have returned to Florida. I really don’t mind the snowbirds, in fact some of my best friends are snowbirds and not only that…they are out-and-out northerners.

Back to the Books for awhile…I had never left them but I had not been writing about them and sharing my experience strength and hope – so I think for at least a few days I want to do that…

The passage for my Daily Reflections reading today has to do with – Change and Continuing to Do What I Have Been Taught and Been Doing up to this Point!!

I CANNOT CHANGE THE WIND It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe.

Alcoholics Anonymous World Service Inc.. Daily Reflections: A Book of Reflections by A.A. Members for A.A. Members (Kindle Location 2195). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

There are two things to say about prayer and meditation: first, I had to start and second, I had to continue. When I came to A.A. my spiritual life was bankrupt; if I considered God at all, He was to be called upon only when my self-will was incapable of a task or when overwhelming fears had eroded my ego. They call that “Fox Hole” Praying. Like written by a member of the AA fellowship, “Today I am grateful for a new life, one in which my prayers are those of thanksgiving. My prayer time is more for listening than for talking. I know today that if I cannot change the wind, I can adjust my sail. I know the difference between superstition and spirituality. I know there is a graceful way of being right, and many ways to be wrong.”

I can not say it any better than the way it was said in the above passage. So I won’t even try.

Alcoholics Anonymous World Service Inc.. Daily Reflections: A Book of Reflections by A.A. Members for A.A. Members (Kindle Locations 2199-2200). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

And in the 24 Hours A Day Book…

NOV. 1

A.A. Thought for the Day

I have hope. That magic thing that I had lost or misplaced. The future looks dark no more. I do not even look at it, except when necessary to make plans. I try to let the future take care of itself. The future will be made up of todays and todays, stretching out as short as now and as long as eternity. Hope is justified by many right nows,  by the rightness of the present. Nothing can happen to me that God does not will for me. I can hope for the best, as long as I have what I have and it is good. Have I hope?

Meditation for the Day

Faith is the messenger that bears your prayers to God. Prayer can be like incense, rising ever higher and higher. The prayer of faith is the prayer of trust, that feels the presence of God which it rises to meet. It can be sure of some response from God. We can say a prayer of thanks to God every day for His grace, which has kept us on the right way and allowed us to start living the good life. So we should pray to God with faith and trust and gratitude.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may feel sure of some response to my prayers. I pray that I may be content with whatever form that response takes.

Anonymous. Twenty-Four Hours A Day (p. 127). Martino Fine Books. Kindle Edition.

My Thought….I have Hope. That very first line…that alone carried me a long way in the beginning and you know what still does. This year has been a bear and I am still here, sober and not drinking. Awesome. I always have hope that tomorrow or even breaking it down to the next minute, it will be ok and there is always hope!! If I stay out of my own way it ALWAYS, ALWAYS works out…may be not to my satisfaction, but it works out and I have learned to accept it is God’s will for me, whether I like it or not becomes irrelevant. I plan for my future, not force my will by projecting outcomes. I truly have learned to accept each days outcome as God’s will for me. It is so much simpler. Not done perfectly remember….after all it is Progress Not Perfection!

My Meditation… I have Hope, but I also have Faith. I do feel the presence of a spiritual entity, again I use the terms “God” and “Higher Power” because it is easier to communicate. I know God is there, always beside me, through the Good, Bad and Ugly. How do I know?  Well for starters I have not picked up a drink in many years – No Matter What! In my meditation I try to remember too, to thank Him for that as well as thanking Him for keeping on the path and being allowed to live the good life I have today. Even the bad days are better than my drinking days.

My Prayer…I pray to have to God for Faith which is a strongly held belief or theory , and Trust and Gratitude.  All very essential to my everyday way of living and to any success I may have “One Day At A Time”

 

 

Change and Insanity

BandBDW

Evening, I was  watching Beauty And The Beast.  Disney animation is another one of my favorite movie genres.  When Mrs. Potts started singing “Tales As Old As Time”   I began thinking about CHANGE once again.  If you listen to the lyrics

“Tale as old as time
True as it can be
Barely even friends
Then some body bends
Unexpectedly

Just a little change
Small to say the least
Both a little scared
Neither one prepared
Beauty and the beast

Ever just the same
Ever a surprise
Ever as before
Ever just as sure
As the sun will rise

Tale as old as time
Tune as old as song
Bitter sweet and strange
Finding you can change
Learning you were wrong
Certain as the sun
Rising in the east

Tale as old as time
Song as old as rhyme
Beauty and the beast x2

Off to the cupboard with you chip it’s past your bed Goodnight Love”

Both Belle and the Beast had to change to be happy.  Belle wanted more than her provincial life. She sings about everyday being like the day before….dreaming of adventure and far away places.  The Beast had been cursed because of his meanness and selflessness, he had change and learn how to  be kind to others and not only thinking about himself.

Belle always was reading, she never wanted to stop learning. Another thing both Belle and the Beast in the beginning of the movie let FEAR(S) get in their way. Life is scary, as we alcoholics can testify to. But remember pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones (GOING AGAINST THE GRAIN) make us a ‘better’ person.  Afterall, OUR PURPOSE is to help others and be useful!

I had a busy day today, power washed the house. have a little to finish tomorrow. It was a good, productive day. Then I got to watch my all time favorite Disney movie.  I have many others…Funny though, tonight was the first time I realized that the movie, at least for me, had to do with CHANGE and how necessary it is for us to get “WELL” and stay “WELL”ScaryChange

One of the most repeated sayings in Alcoholics Anonymous is that, if you keep on doing the same things, you will keep on getting the same results. It was put to me simply this way, “It’s like getting hit with a baseball bat and going back for more”. Was told this is the definition of INSANITY.  Also reminds me of the “Jaywalker” Story in the Big Book, Chapter 3 page 37 4th paragraph. Another good example of INSANITY.

Reactions and Resentments

ellenglasgow1Reactions

A reaction is my response to what someone says or does. These reactions sometimes may turn into resentments.  If I hang onto a resentment it can kill me. As plainly stated in the Big Book: “Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else.” Chapter 5 page 64 in the Big Book speaks more on the issue of resentments. Chapter 5 Resentments

Someone once said that forgiveness is letting go of the idea that you could have had a different past. When we forgive, we surrender the burden of hurts and resentment that so easily weigh us down and keep us from living a full and joyful life.
“If you have resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don’t really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don’t mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it everyday for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate, understanding and love.”  Big Book on Resentments… Page 552, 4th Edition

When I was first told to pray for the person or thing I resented I said, they were crazy. But once again, I did it anyway. And, lo and behold it worked. It wasn’t about them or the place, it was about me. I learned how to Let Go and Let God. The “letting God” part means I pray about a situation and leave the matter in God’s hands. The common phrase, used to end a prayer, is “thy will, not my will, be done.”  I use this phrase ALL the time. Especially when I feel overwhelmed.  Like everything else in my recovery, it takes time and another slogan comes to mind, This Too Shall Pass.  letgoand letgodthis too shall pass

It is no coincidence how when I start writing one thing it leads to the next, then the next and the next…That to me is how my Recovery continues to progress. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and each day I gain a little bit more even if I think I don’t. Every day teaches me something and it has been up to this point an awesome journey.  I don’t always know why things are happening to me when they are but the are and I can either embrace them or fight them. I choose to my journey by embracing them.   Another thing I have noticed is that there is sometimes a link drawn between AA and religion. Historically this is accurate. However, it’s a mistake to think that AA is religion.
The reasoning is simple. While a higher power is mentioned, the primary purpose of AA isn’t to worship God, the Primary Purpose Of  AA is getting and maintaining sobriety.

Anyway these are my thoughts tonight….not sure why, they were just somethings I was thinking about tonight. My mind even after all these years is still that of an alcoholic mind.  I  act, believe, and feel based on distorted perceptions of myself and the world around me. I live with extremes of all or nothing. There is no moderation, no middle ground, no compromise, and no gray area in my world. I live in denial of my destructiveness (self and others), thus distorting what I am  able to make sense of. The best part, even though I still think this way I am no longer in these thoughts for very long.  I have as I say, “I have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body.”  BB There Is A Solution, p.20

 

Going Against the Grain

eleanorroosevelt1

This is an awesome quote, especially coming from one of my favorite ladies, Eleanor Roosevelt.

I don’t like so much to pick apart quotes. Sometimes they mean a lot to me and I can ramble on and on about what I think they mean. This time this particular quote says to me – I must go against the grain. This idiom I learned in AA. Simply put I must continue to do the things that make me feel uncomfortable in order to grow and remain sober and well. My drinking was just the symptom of my real problem.  Alcohol was a coping skill to some other deep down problem in my life. Whatever that may have been….May be something medical or mental. Deep feelings of guilt can be a cause.  Alcohol made it better in the beginning, but then it turned on me. I used it to numb my emotions.

The 4th step showed me what alcohol was a symptom of.  I had to answer questions … I had resentments,  but why? Now I knew why, but why did my thinking bring me to that conclusion.  This is one of my many character defects, that only God will remove. And, trust me they do come back…

Anyway, so now it is in my everyday practice to “go against the grain.” and fight the FEAR.  If it is something I need to absolutely do, I have to do it. Something I want to do, I have to do it…I missed out on way too many things because of being afraid to “do it”.  So just like NIKE says, JUST DO IT! How? Well through, prayer and practicing the principles of AA. I maintain my sobriety with the last 3 steps on AA…..maintenance Steps in AA 10, 11, and 12

Just do It

Quote – Dull Life

Some men like a dull life – they like the routine of eating breakfast, going to work, coming home, petting the dog, watching TV, kissing the kids, and going to bed. Stay clear of it – it’s often catching.  Hedy Lamarr
https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/hedy_lamarr_271503?src=t_routine

routine                                       Routines can be fun and don’t need to be boring.

Today was another good day.  Water aerobics first thing this morning. Always feel better after them.  Aside from the exercise benefit, I get to socialize with friends at the pool. Then I came home and had lunch, ran some errands with my partner and came home had dinner, feed the pup (Chico) and kitty (Mr. Toes) watched some tv while doing a jigsaw puzzle and now here I am.20180806_1705041

20180729_100617Aren’t they beautiful??

Back to the routine….writing my blog everyday has become a routine and I am totally enjoying it. As I have said in the past, I am far from being a “writer” but I sure am having fun with it and it makes me feel 100% better.  I had learned in AA that it is healthier to clear things out of my head, then the good stuff came come in. There is much truth to that.  I have to remain vigilant to keep the committee in my head to a minimum. I remember hearing in AA about “the committee”, or the different thoughts and voices swirling around in our heads, often giving us conflicting messages or bad advice. In my sobriety, I have benefitted tremendously by taking the time to identify those voices. I had no clue who I was when I got sober.  I borrowed a section from Agnostics in AA

What I am getting at is that through my daily routines I become inspired to continue moving forward and do the things I have been taught and if I do then I will remain sober and happy.  I try to think of how it was when I first came into AA, and I remember that all I was looking for was HAPPINESS. Well, I found it and then some….I Caught It – the DULL LIFE. I read this recently “Life is just the way it is supposed to be: unpredictable, good, bad, ugly, and great, all rolled up into one incredibly short experience.”  “What’s really important is that life just is—and that we should stop worrying and get on with living it!”   Bob Miglanihappydrama

 

 

 

Thanks for reading tonight….now to get on with my boring, dull life….