I have kind of figured out in the last couple days why I have been feeling so much like I have been on a roller coaster filled with anxiety. I mentioned it already either yesterday or a day or two prior…I have been keeping up with my readings and prayer and helping others, but just could not figure out why I had not been feeling good. Well, it is because I was practicing my 11th and 12th steps but leaving out the 10th. I need all 3 of the last steps in the AA program to stay well. My maintenance steps. No picking and choosing…I was not picking and choosing knowingly. I had not been practicing the principle of Step 4 (my inventory), Steps 8 and 9 (Amends). I can’t do 10 without the first 9.
I had not been doing my spot check inventory during the days either, leading me to all kinds of negative thinking (another term for this is an emotional hangover) and resentments. I had also not been doing my end of the day inventory…I was too “tired”. Because of being too “tired” I started to pay a price for not doing the things I should have been doing. Didn’t matter that I had not been drinking, I started to have all kinds of excuses and those were leading me to negative emotions – anger, fear, jealousy, etc…
My spot check inventory could be something as simple as saying to myself, “Live one day at a time” I have to remember progress not perfection and my objectives. Self-restraint for example, like when to speak and when not to. I have to remain honest, remain willing to admit when something is my fault and willing to forgive when it is not my fault.
I had also forgotten that not all people are emotionally well or right for that matter, I’m certainly not all the time. My tolerance level was not where it needed to be.
Even though I had forgotten to practice these principles I still was a success. Why?? Because the pains of my failures have become my assets. I am sitting here admitting these negative feelings and behaviors with the intent and hope that I can do better tomorrow. Again, I have to Practice these Principles in ALL MY AFFAIRS and Progress NOT Perfection!!
Pain is my motivator toward spiritual progress. It helps me to surrender and ask for help. I often say. “Thy Will, Not Mine”