Fear of Change…part 1

“I have accepted fear as a part of life – specifically the fear of change…I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back…”  Erica Jong

Fear has always and will always be a part of my life. I have been taught though by ‘going against the grain” what seem so very unnatural to me. I can think of so many instances of fear going way back to when I was a kid. I have mentioned before in what I have written that I was afraid of people, places and things. And, most of the people I knew thought I was just that shy little “tom’ boy. I was, but come to find out way later in my life I was afraid…

Let me give a couple specific examples.  I was a good athlete, could play just about any sport. My most favorite sport was baseball, later softball. I was a natural. I played times with my brothers when they played little league and they needed extra players. I also grew up across from a playground. We had pick up games all the time. Baseball, softball, basketball, kick ball, you name it we played it. This part of my life I was the most content and comfortable. As long as I was playing I was fine. I knew that if I played well and performed well I would never have to say anything, except may be the occasional “I got it or mine” when a ball came to me. Loved it! As I got older and went to school, oh my. Now I had to be social and talk, had to do book reports (oral), group projects and how I ever made select chorus in high school is a mystery to me. We had to audition. Yikes! Guess I had the ability to fight through fear back then too.

I remember one incident in first grade. I got caught talking to the kid sitting at the desk next to me. I got made an example of and was put in the corner. I was embarrassed and oh my goodness what will happen when my parents found out. Well they never did…teacher never told them and I certainly didn’t. From that point on, I never talked in class or too many other places for that matter. Only if asked a question, hopefully I knew the answer. Because if I didn’t, what would people think. A thought just crossed my mind – people who didn’t know me back then will never believe I was ever like that. But I was!

I am a creature of habit. I like routine. It was very hard if I had to do something different and get out of myself. Change….I hated the word. As I got older it was getting worse. Now I had to go out on my own, how was I going to do that? Did it, again, not sure how. But I went to college, joined the Army, got married, had children, went to their school functions….all these things I did and I have no idea how I accomplished any of it. today I do know, I was never alone.

As time went on, like I said my fears grew proportionately to what was expected of me as a wife, mother, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, sister-in-law, parent, friend and on and on. Of course these expectations weren’t coming from anyone except my fear telling me that I had to be all those things or people wouldn’t like or respect me. What the heck was happening to me…

2 thoughts on “Fear of Change…part 1

  1. Very interesting and insightful piece. I think we can all relate to a certain extent that the fear of change, or rather fear of the unknown can hold us back and when we have a bad experience, such as your example of being called out in class we convince ourselves not to change.

    I like how you’ve highlighted that it is actually through all of your discomfort and fears that you have grown, rather than by staying the same and accepting things as they are.

    An inspiring piece and I am looking forward to reading part 2 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I write what happened to me. That way I know I am being honest and sincere. I am not a writer so sometimes I feel like the continuity of my story is askew. However, that is me and I do believe for me it is hard to stay on one subject but I am trying…thank you for reading my story and blog.

      Like

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