Freeze the picture of my kids growing up. Two of the most proudest moments in my life were when I became a mom. These were the best years of my life. Had I not gotten well, I would not have any of these moments to cherish. I can remember both times the boys were born like it was yesterday, no, not the pain (although I can remember that too) but more of my mental state. After all, it was a life changing experience….and overwhelming, especially after my first son was born. Lucky for me, I had both sets of parents and his Dad to be there and help raise him. In fact I was a fortunate Mom, the boys have the same dad and he was there and still is for them.
I loved being a Mom. But somewhere along the way it got overwhelming again even though all those people were around. My little guy was growing up and I started to be afraid of him and his friends. In reality I was afraid of everything, and everybody. I don’t remember when I crossed the line and started to drink every day but I do remember my mother and father in law both start to hang around more. I thank God today but man they sure were cramping my style back then. Drinking made me smarter, taller, prettier, super Mom..it was my Liquid Gold! God was really watching out for me and the little guy. Became worse as he got older…when he started kindergarten I was a mess. What was my purpose now, what will I do with all my free time? I had the answer, drink what else. I really didn’t need a reason to drink, I drank when I was happy, sad, home, not home, with people around, without people around (which was my preference). I was literally a closet drinker. I went AA and did what I was told for 3 years, 3 years. But I was not finished drinking and until I was finished it would not work. I surrendered once again, and started all over. Just prior to the surrender I had my second son, I had stopped drinking enough while I ws pregnant with him, but shortly after I started again and it was off to the races. I remember my last drink, it was cough medicine, Robitussin. Easier to hide, but just as effective for an alcoholic. Was very scared this time when I stopped, I could not even fake my way through anything. Could not put a complete sentence together. I knew from having had the seed planted from going to AA I was licked. In all honesty I can not remember too much detail from this time period, I was very sick and as they say I destroyed many of my brain cells from drinking. It is also funny I start writing about a memory or event and I start writing about AA and my getting ‘weller.’ I guess I have been a fortunate soul and have made AA my way of life. I don’t know any other way. AA and God have given the ability to be a MOM and still have my kids in my life…very proud moments as they have grown into fine young men.
If anyone is familiar with the Big Book, the Book we use in ALcoholics Anonymous I was the chapter on “The Housewife Who Drank” … She hid her bottles in clothes hampers and dresser drawers. She realized what she was becoming. In A.A., she discovered she had lost nothing and had found everything. p 335 Yup that’s my story.
Not only did I have all those people around me, I had AA and God. Or so I thought. No, they were there I was half there. I had been going to meetings, sharing and going through the motions. After all, I was a great lier. Most alcholics are.