Frustration

Frustration2Just a little!!  It is a personal issue for my partner more then my own frustration. However, we are partners and we are in it together.  Most of what has to be done, she has to do…that really frustrates me. Because I want to help her and do it for her, but I can’t. So I have to push and nag her gently hoping that she sees clearly what must be done.

Frustration is the feeling of being annoyed or upset because of the inability to change or achieve something. And my prayer is that I not let the frustration take hold, that I face or accept what it is and not try to change it to what I want it to be. In comes the Serenity Prayer….”God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

“Frustration is the first step toward improvement…It’s only when I face frustration and use it to fuel my dedication that I feel myself moving forward. ”
John Bingham

 

 

 

I Like Dreamin’

I heard a song today… “I Like Dreamin'” sung by Kenny Nolan.

I like dreamin’ cause dreamin’ can make you mine.
I like dreamin’, closing my eyes and feeling fine.
When the lights go down, I’m holding you so tight.
Got you in my arms and it’s paradise ’til the morning light.
I see us on the shore beneath the bright sunshine.
We’ve walked along St. Thomas beach a million times.
Hand in hand, two barefoot lovers kissing in the sand.
Side by side, the tide rolls in.
I’m touching you, you’re touching me.
If only it could be.
I like dreamin’ cause dreamin’ can make you mine.
I like dreamin’, closing my eyes and feeling fine.
When the lights go down, I’m holding you so tight.
Got you in my arms and it’s paradise ’til the morning light.
Through each dream how our love has grown.
I see us with our children and our happy home.
Little smiles, so warm and tender looking up at us.
Blessed by love, the world we share
Until I wake and reach for you
And you’re just not there.
I like dreamin’ ’cause dreaming can make you mine.
I like holding you close and touching your skin
Even if it’s in my mind.
Oh, sweet dream baby, I love you.
Oh, my sweet dream baby, you’re in my dreams every night.
Songwriters: KENNY NOLAN
© Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC,Spirit Music Group

This song was released in a very uncertain, although special time in my life.  However at the same time this year became one of the best years of my life. I think  that the song, if I read and listen to the lyrics mean more to me today that they did then. Many of my favorite songs are like that today. They touch my life so much more than when they first came out or when I first heard them.  I could name dozens…I can remember where I was, who I was with and what was going on when I hear a song. Funny I can’t remember what I did a few minutes ago.

Another special song for me is a Carole King song called, “Now and Forever”.  I never heard it until a few years back I was on vacation and staying in a condo we rented on the beach at St Augustine.  I went to take a nap and had my headphones on listening to a local radio station and it came on. It took me back to my past immediately. Could not get the song out of my head. I finally found it and found out it was Carole King in fact that sang it. It is on You Tube Now And Forever 

Take a minute and listen to it. You may already know these two songs. If not, take a minute, relax and go check them out.

You may be thinking way this time in my life was so special…I can only say that it was in the sense that I fell in love and had a wonderful time and then we both had to move on…hardest part is that I still think of that person and wished it had worked out differently, but it didn’t. I is ok, because it happened the way it was supposed to happen. This is hard because I have to always remind myself that it is God’s will, not mine that I am supposed to live by. I want it to be totally different but He saw fit for it to turn out this way. As I write these words I still have trouble believing it turned out different from the way I wanted or wished it to. I procrastinated writing about this because of the pain it creates and I was also taught in AA that I was not here to dredge up the past and hurt others from my past. I do know that for me though talking and writing about things helps me to move on…this topic/subject from my past was, is and probably will always be the hardest to move on with. But the bottom line is that even though there is heartache quite often because a lot of things remind me of that time…I have not picked up a drink. That is my ultimate goal on a daily basis. And, I have become useful in so many ways to others, by letting go. Problem is I don’t stay “letting go”.  I would and may still at a future date write about this time in my life but I am not ready and as I mentioned I certainly do not want to hurt anyone else that may have played a major impact in this time of my life. I also want to make it perfectly clear I totally Love and Adore the person I am currently with!!!  I will leave all this tonight with two quotes….

 

 

If-You-Love-Someone-tell-them

SadThing

 

 

 

 

Hi I AM Back

Took a month to stop and smell the roses….

I needed a break from everything. October was good to me. Was able to go and see some good friends and spend time with them at the beach. Anyone that knows me or has followed my blog up to now will know already the passion I have for the beach and it’s healing powers. BeachHealingPowers

November 1st, this will bring new, but really old issues, memories, concerns….new/old everything.  Fall is here and the snowbirds have returned to Florida. I really don’t mind the snowbirds, in fact some of my best friends are snowbirds and not only that…they are out-and-out northerners.

Back to the Books for awhile…I had never left them but I had not been writing about them and sharing my experience strength and hope – so I think for at least a few days I want to do that…

The passage for my Daily Reflections reading today has to do with – Change and Continuing to Do What I Have Been Taught and Been Doing up to this Point!!

I CANNOT CHANGE THE WIND It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe.

Alcoholics Anonymous World Service Inc.. Daily Reflections: A Book of Reflections by A.A. Members for A.A. Members (Kindle Location 2195). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

There are two things to say about prayer and meditation: first, I had to start and second, I had to continue. When I came to A.A. my spiritual life was bankrupt; if I considered God at all, He was to be called upon only when my self-will was incapable of a task or when overwhelming fears had eroded my ego. They call that “Fox Hole” Praying. Like written by a member of the AA fellowship, “Today I am grateful for a new life, one in which my prayers are those of thanksgiving. My prayer time is more for listening than for talking. I know today that if I cannot change the wind, I can adjust my sail. I know the difference between superstition and spirituality. I know there is a graceful way of being right, and many ways to be wrong.”

I can not say it any better than the way it was said in the above passage. So I won’t even try.

Alcoholics Anonymous World Service Inc.. Daily Reflections: A Book of Reflections by A.A. Members for A.A. Members (Kindle Locations 2199-2200). A.A. World Services, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

And in the 24 Hours A Day Book…

NOV. 1

A.A. Thought for the Day

I have hope. That magic thing that I had lost or misplaced. The future looks dark no more. I do not even look at it, except when necessary to make plans. I try to let the future take care of itself. The future will be made up of todays and todays, stretching out as short as now and as long as eternity. Hope is justified by many right nows,  by the rightness of the present. Nothing can happen to me that God does not will for me. I can hope for the best, as long as I have what I have and it is good. Have I hope?

Meditation for the Day

Faith is the messenger that bears your prayers to God. Prayer can be like incense, rising ever higher and higher. The prayer of faith is the prayer of trust, that feels the presence of God which it rises to meet. It can be sure of some response from God. We can say a prayer of thanks to God every day for His grace, which has kept us on the right way and allowed us to start living the good life. So we should pray to God with faith and trust and gratitude.

Prayer for the Day

I pray that I may feel sure of some response to my prayers. I pray that I may be content with whatever form that response takes.

Anonymous. Twenty-Four Hours A Day (p. 127). Martino Fine Books. Kindle Edition.

My Thought….I have Hope. That very first line…that alone carried me a long way in the beginning and you know what still does. This year has been a bear and I am still here, sober and not drinking. Awesome. I always have hope that tomorrow or even breaking it down to the next minute, it will be ok and there is always hope!! If I stay out of my own way it ALWAYS, ALWAYS works out…may be not to my satisfaction, but it works out and I have learned to accept it is God’s will for me, whether I like it or not becomes irrelevant. I plan for my future, not force my will by projecting outcomes. I truly have learned to accept each days outcome as God’s will for me. It is so much simpler. Not done perfectly remember….after all it is Progress Not Perfection!

My Meditation… I have Hope, but I also have Faith. I do feel the presence of a spiritual entity, again I use the terms “God” and “Higher Power” because it is easier to communicate. I know God is there, always beside me, through the Good, Bad and Ugly. How do I know?  Well for starters I have not picked up a drink in many years – No Matter What! In my meditation I try to remember too, to thank Him for that as well as thanking Him for keeping on the path and being allowed to live the good life I have today. Even the bad days are better than my drinking days.

My Prayer…I pray to have to God for Faith which is a strongly held belief or theory , and Trust and Gratitude.  All very essential to my everyday way of living and to any success I may have “One Day At A Time”

 

 

Another Day in Pictures

I am tired tonight so I am sharing my day in pictures tonight. Hard to express my emotions and feelings in words so I will just let you imagine through these awesome pictures of nature how I am feeling tonight. When I get in a ‘funky’ mood I just have to remember how blessed I am and be grateful and thankful that I am so lucky to have been given another day on this earth no matter how “”bad” or “hard” it seems….Thank you !!

Thank you God for giving me another day, another chance to become a better individual, another chance to give and experience love.

Whoops I Did It Again

Well, I Did It again. Which proves to me a few things. First, I am still human, I’m still progress not perfection, my “isms” are working on me and probably the most important – I am an alcoholic, albeit, recovered, my disease is the one and only real constant in my life. It sits there, sometimes does some pushups, but it grows stronger daily. So I must remain vigilant and stay stronger.

Thank goodness I can recognize my defects of character when they poo up. Sometimes that are subtle but lately not so much. Today was an example of that. My partner has been out of work for months. First hospital, then broken wrist, then needed to update her med card. She is a professional driver, needs a med card. Well ok, went for the required sleep study (uses a Cpap machine) and got results today. So now she has to go to Sleep Dr for consult and as to whether or not she will receive a med card for the year. She only has a couple years until retirement. It’s one thing after another….mind you I have my own personal issue I’m dealing with too….

To make the rest of the long story short, I lost it….my temper. Said some things. I reacted poorly. I wasn’t angry at her, but frustrated. I caught myself and removed myself from the situation. I was taught to always have a way out. So I went out of the house, still streaming,taking to myself (out loud) and grabbed my weeding tool and weeded my Amaryllis garden. Been talking about doing it for days but was also procrastinating. Well the garden for weeded, I prayed off and on through our the process and holy cow….it works. I knew it would!! Always has!! Finished the garden, went in chatted with partner, made my amends, went to the pool, came home, have my honey a card…got it yesterday and felt much better. Moving on…

It is truly amazing what tools AA has given me. Have to remember though, if I don’t pick them up and use them, then my I have to remember there are consequences…and more importantly…MISERY IS OPTIONAL!!!

Extremely blessed

Recognizing Personal Growth

I know I am growing. How do I know this? Well first I am not the same selfish self-centered person I was. Far FromI have learned to Let Go. Letting Go has helped me to grow by not living in the past (especially dwelling in the past).  I have learned to put my faith and trust in a Higher Power and step into the UNKNOWN and the next Unknown, and the next and the next… It doesn’t mean I am not afraid it means I believe I will be all right no matter what comes into my life at any given moment. That is how I recognize that I am growing.Growth

I take risks that I never, ever would before. I feel OK when I hear something that is disturbing to me. An example of this is that I had a medical test done recently. A procedure that I do every year. Well, for the first time ever, it came back with some abnormalities. I know I am not who I used to be by the way I reacted. I was angry at first, then ok, then not ok, then, well you get it.  So I knew what I had to do – PRAY. I did and I felt better.  Set up the next test and I will see where I am after that. This is the FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN to me.

It is ok, I know it is because I am not alone and I have faith that it will be the way God intends it to be, good, bad or indifferent. It is in His hands and I will accept whatever is in the future for me.  It is all about Growth!! We go through these things…they are not tests that are imposed on us, it is just Life.  And, besides what makes me any better than anyone else that I may not have to go through some of Life’s curves.

Risking the known is to actually LET GO. I have to LET GO of what previous version of me, the one that has become too comfortable, allow myself to feel the fears and anxiety (lack of trust) that come up in letting go while moving into the unknown  leading me to grow.

Circumsatnces

I hope that this makes sense I am a little off tonight. But feeling much better as I share my day and thoughts, fears, anxieties and how I get through these feelings/emotions without drinking – One Day At A Time. I can not and will not make that an escape route for me ever again. Not an option any more. Thank you AA and God.
NIGHT PRAYER
God forgive me where I have been resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid today. Help me to not keep anything to myself but to discuss it all openly with another person – show me where I owe an apology and help me make it. Help me to be kind and loving to all people. Use me in the mainstream of life God. Remove worry, remorse or morbid (sick) reflections that I may be of usefulness to others. AMEN
(p. 86 BB)

Repeating Myself

I am a creature of habit. Always have been.  I have been sitting here today and thinking what should or can I write that I haven’t written about before. Well, the answer is nothing. My days are essentially the same and they always come down to my AA way of Life.

I like to plan, organize and unfortunately still project out comes.  I hate the projection part. I have gotten much, much better at not doing it so much but in all honesty, it is STILL THERE. Especially when something is going on out of my control…Fear of the UNKNOWN.  fearof the unknown                                                           One of my worst enemies!!

I have talked about walking into a dark room with no floor and knowing it will be ok, and I have experienced fear of the unknown many times and survived however it seems to always come back when a new challenge enters my life. And, that is what happened the other day. I am not ready to divulge what it is yet. I will if and when I need to. Best part it isn’t first and foremost in my mind, but it is lurking. I have found though if I continue to do the things I have been taught (there it is Repeating Myself) then I will feel and ultimately be ok. No matter what the outcome.

I prefer to be in control of my life. I know though in all sincerity I am not. I can plan and organize all I want but the results are in Gods hands. Probably better that way too.  I made quite a mess of my life while drinking and sometimes when not drinking. After all I was always and always will be an alcoholic. Best part, I am a recovered alcoholic by “Doing the same things over and over on a continuous basis”  So I have to repeat everything I learned and when I write it all seems to be is same thing all the time. That is what and who I am today. If I am going to continue to write my story then that is what I have to do. The ‘same things’  perhaps not perfect but all the same doing those ‘things’ everyday.  I guess that is why I write the same thing over and over, because I live my life day-to-day the same. The circumstances may change but how I react may not. Certainly hasn’t hurt me to keep repeating myself, may not hurt others to read it.

Sitting here trying to think what else to say, I think nothing right now is appropriate. Sometimes too much is too much…

 

 

You Can Do It

Sunday2

It’s the ATTITUDE of GRATITUDE!!
For me gratitude has developed over time, and over time I have observed that my attitude of gratitude has develop a life of its own. A life that I choose to visit on a regular   basis.

The “Gratitude Principles”

1. Gratitude is awareness that, as things come to you, they are exactly what you need – be it people, circumstance, or challenges.
2. Worry is the opposite of gratitude; it is the failure to understand that you have been and will continue to be provided for each day.
3. Whenever fear over your future encroaches, stop to observe a tree. Consider how the tree continues to stand tall and grow throughout the various cycles and seasons of its life span.
4. Worry is an action. Gratitude is an action. Both are optional. By choosing gratitude you drive out the space and time for worry.
5. It isn’t hard to do; gratitude is simply noticing the good stuff in your life.
6. What you pay attention to, or notice, tends to expand and grow.
7. Each day brings a multitude of opportunities to feel gratitude and appreciation.
8. When you neglect the action of appreciating, you limit your potential for joy and contentment in the present moment.
9. Worry does not prevent bad things from happening; it only prevents you from accessing joy in this moment.
10. The present moment is the only place where joy and contentment can exist. Attitudes of Gratitude

Have a fantastic start to a wonderful week – One Day At A Time!!